If at first you don’t succeed…   Leave a comment

I realized something the other day that quite literally stopped me in my tracks. I was out trying desperately to get to 10,000 steps for the day enjoying an evening stroll when the thought struck. In less than two months, I am going to be forty-seven years old.

And, quite honestly, it scared the hell out of me.

Most of you who read this blog don’t know this, but for the past few months I had been seeing someone. And, yes, I met him online. (Note:  My opinions on Internet dating have not changed; see previous blog posts to read them in their full glory.)

I hadn’t said anything to most people for two reasons:

  1. It was still very new and tentative
  2. I’m superstitious as hell.

If you noticed the use of the past tense, you have already guessed what happened, and yes, its end shook me. When he told me he didn’t see us working out long term and thought we’d work better as friends, I agreed with him, but I was still shocked. I have been in love before – heck, I’ve been in like before – and although this didn’t feel like it was heading in that direction I had thought we were both enjoying what it was.

Agreeing with him didn’t make it hurt any less.

While I had known the relationship wasn’t going to last forever, it was still nice to have someone who looked forward to seeing me, missed me when our child-free weekends didn’t match up for a couple of weeks, wanted to walk with his arm around my waist, and told me I was beautiful. I enjoyed having someone cook me dinner for a change, and – as much as I love my son – the grown-up conversations were nice. Even if there were a lot of silences.

Here’s where the age thing comes into play.

Mathematically, my life is more than half over. Don’t get me wrong, I understand there is a chance – health care being what is it these days – I could live to be ninety-four. I have a great-aunt in her early nineties who is one of the coolest people I know. Even though we don’t share the same genes, I want to be like her when I grow up.

I just don’t want to be alone for the rest of it.

As a splurge, my son and I went on vacation recently to the Universal theme park in Orlando, FL. (I wanted to bring him to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter while he was still young enough not to mind being seen in public with his mother.) Parts of it were surreal. For example, the whole time we were there, I believe I saw only one other single mother with her child and only one single father with his three little girls. (How do I know he was a single father? He had this great shirt emblazoned with the words ‘Single Dad and Proud of it.’ It was cool.) Virtually everyone else was part of a two-parent family. Or part of a couple. There were so many people in the park, I know we didn’t stand out as odd, but that is how it felt.

It was uncomfortable, and it prompted me to look at myself and my life.

So, for the past few weeks, I’ve been working on one of those self-affirming lists where you are supposed to write down all the positive things about your life on one side and the things you would like to change on the other. Here are my positives:

  • I have a job that not only pays my bills but also satisfies and challenges me
  • I own my own home
  • I had the resources and support to complete two master’s degrees (yes, I am aware I am nuts)
  • I have two beautiful (if somewhat crazy making) cats and a really pretty blue fish
  • I have the friendship and support of many wonderful people including my parents
  • I have a son I adore and who seems to still like me most of the time despite being a teenager.

And the negatives:

  • The divorce diet has disappointingly worn off, and I am uncomfortable in my body (the age thing could be assisting with this…) and with the way I look
  • I am fearful of taking chances that could get me hurt. Again
  • I am alone.

It’s funny how that last one seems to push the teeter-totter several inches into the ground all by itself, regardless of the number of positives that exist. The only question now is what I am going to do about it.

As odd as online dating can be, I will probably go that route again at some point. For right now, I plan on taking the rest of the summer off from attempting to even out the teeter-totter. If I can get a few Wednesday nights free from work I may sign up for some ballroom dancing lessons. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, and now I neither need to worry about childcare nor if my husband is interested. (Just in case you were wondering, he wasn’t.)

Come fall, who knows?  Apparently there is a site for geeks looking for love out there in cyberspace. I may have to check it out. Stranger things have happened…

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Posted July 21, 2015 by wordsaremylife in random thoughts

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