If There’s Any One Thing   Leave a comment

I realize this will not come as news to most (if not all) of you, but you don’t always get what you want out of life. (According to Joe Jackson, “you can’t get what you want ’til you know what you want,” which strikes me as being just a bit repetitive obvious and not nearly as profound as my first statement. Feel free to disagree.)

Here’s what I mean.

I had hoped the weight loss I experienced during the early stages of what I like to refer to as ‘the new life I had thrust upon me (as opposed to one I chose)’ would be – if not permanent (I did get too thin, and boy, is that something I never, ever thought would come out of my mouth) – at least somewhat longer lasting than it turned out to be. A step on the scale at my annual physical, however, showed me a number I haven’t seen since I was pregnant fifteen years ago. And that includes the time of my last blog post about my weight (Weight Loss… Or Not) from five years ago.

Given that I have been adjusting my clothing all summer long, this did not come as a great shock to me. And it’s not to say I have suddenly become huge. Mostly I am just uncomfortable, and my clothes don’t fit. Which is a problem as I can’t afford a whole new wardrobe right now.

What is interesting in all this is my reaction. Or lack of the same.

I’m not freaking out. Nor am I falling down into the deep, dark pit of depression that generally accompanies any weight gain, never mind one of almost twenty pounds.

Right now I’m trying to figure out if I should be embracing this new attitude or worrying about it. I know some of the weight gain is muscle; my biceps are more defined than they have ever been (and, yes, that is still a relative term), and when I went back to the Y once it reopened after its annual “We really need to clean!” maintenance week, I noticed I didn’t need to reduce the weights on my barbells as much as I did last year.

I almost think I look… good.

This is not to say I wouldn’t mind having my pants fit properly again. And not be between bra sizes, which is a pain in a part of my anatomy that has nothing to do with what goes in my bra.

But, instead of obsessing over how I look, I am focusing more on how I feel, and despite the weight I feel pretty much all right with myself and my world.

And that right there is what I find worrisome because it is so contrary to everything I have ever experienced before. Simply put, I am unaccustomed to being at relative peace with myself.

Are there things I still want out of life? Hell, yes.

I want to travel more. The trips I’ve taken over the last two years – Singapore, California, Universal Studios, and the most recent weekend in Philadelphia (trips, except for the last, I wouldn’t have taken when still married) – have shown me I can maneuver around other cities and countries unassisted. And that I’m pretty good at it. They have also sparked a desire to go as many different places as possible. Starting with London (the boy’s choice) which is next on the list.

I want to find someone to share my life. Yes, I know I’ve been repeating this ad nauseum said this in a few other blog posts, but it’s still something I want. I’ve finally gotten to the point where I feel more alone than lonely – which must be healthy, right? – but know I don’t want to always be alone. The child is going to finish growing and find his own life at some point in the not to distant future, after all.

At the moment, though, I really just want my winter pants to fit. It’s not that I don’t enjoy shopping… No, wait, it is that I don’t enjoy shopping. Shopping for food is fun and entertaining. Shopping for clothes is painful and annoying.  I liken it to Dante’s seventh level of hell, just with better climate control.

Anyway…

Will I get to travel? Definitely. Will I get everywhere on my (somewhat extensive) list? I don’t know. But I’m going to have a lot of fun trying.

Will I find that special someone to share my life? I hope so. (Full disclosure: I’ve broken my resolution of staying off dating sites until the autumn. The allure of wanting to know who is out there was just too strong. It’s like eating chips. I just can’t stop.)

Will I be able to get in my winter clothes once the temperature drops? Well, I signed up for the Y’s latest ‘lose weight before the holidays’ program that starts in October, so we’ll see. My fingers are crossed.

Will I get everything I want? Considering this is a pretty small list, I hope so, but I don’t have a crystal ball – and my Magic 8 Ball is on the fritz at the moment – so I don’t know.

Intellectually, I know it’s really not possible to get everything you want, as well as not always good for you. But – to quote another famous song – I also know this:

If you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.”

I’ll have to see.

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Posted September 3, 2015 by wordsaremylife in random thoughts

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