Resolutions   Leave a comment

listsSo, apparently, I can’t stop writing even if I think I should, and I suppose this is probably a good thing. To be honest, I haven’t stopped to think about it too much because I’ve just realized it’s that time of year again. The time of year when you go back over the events of the past year and think about what you want to change for next year. It’s resolution time.

Oh. Goody.

Given that, for the past two and half years at least, my whole life has been changing whether I wanted it to or not, this is not necessarily a welcome activity, but I’m trying.

So far, the first (and so far only) thing on my list is to do something about my weight. I know making a new year’s resolution to lose weight is a cliché, but I’ve put on far too many pounds over the past year, and I either need to do something about it or buy a black and white patterned sweater and start mooing more. Which, while not a solution for the long term, may be a good idea for next year’s Halloween costume. I’ll have to add that to the possible costume list along with the old Princess Leia look – I’ve always wanted to try the ‘bagels on head’ style, and I’ve certainly got the hair for it. (If you know me well, you know I’ve got a thing for lists. I have many.)

Otherwise – for the resolution list – I’ve got nothing.

I know there are things that should be on the list, things I’ve been writing about on this blog, for example: working on figuring out who I am and what I want out of life, being more spontaneous, breaking out of my comfort zone, living life to the fullest. Blah, blah, blah…

Unfortunately, these platitudes goals are all fairly non-specific. Okay, forget fairly, they are completely and totally non-specific. And also clichés in their own right, but I’m planning on ignoring that for now. Which leaves me… Actually, I have no idea where this leaves me, which is part of the problem.

The other part of the problem is that trying to come up with goals feels like it would be like work. Well, okay, not like work. It will be work.

And right now I‘m tired of working.

I spent years working on my marriage, a task that would apparently have been more effective if I hadn’t been the only one doing so. I work a lot of hours each week to earn money to support my son. I work on weekends buying groceries and doing chores. I work at making sure the bills get paid, the cats get fed, and the trash is put out. I work at teaching my son that, yes, he really does need to do his homework and clean his room. (And G-d help me, this one needs constant reiteration.) I work at trying to teach him to be a good person and at keeping my spirits up on the weekends he is with his father and I am alone.

And while I realize this isn’t any different than what everyone else in the world does on a daily basis, it still doesn’t make me any less tired of it.

I want change to happen. I really do. I just want it to happen without any additional effort on my part. Having something go smoothly and easily in my life would be a lovely change, thankyouverymuch. I’m tired of trying to figure everything out and constantly coming up blank. Intellectually, I know no one can do this for me, but I desperately really want to find someone who can because I obviously suck at it.

How do I know I suck at it? Simple. I see people on an almost daily basis who have gone through losses worse than mine – truly awful divorces, a loss of health, the death of a loved one – who seem to have their lives together. Now, I understand I can’t see inside other people’s heads, and they could be just as messed up as I feel I am. They just don’t seem it, and this is one place where appearances matter.

So, the end result of all of this is I have one thing on my resolution list – the weight issue. (Remember that? It was at the beginning before all the whining started. Just checking.) And I think for now it will remain the only thing on my list.

While I can’t seem to take a vacation from writing down all my inner feelings and posting them on the ‘net, I am going to take a break from working on deciphering those feelings. I’m going to take a few months and just let things happen. This doesn’t mean I’m going to stop doing things or going places or finding new ways to occupy my time. It simply means I’m going to stop thinking so hard about it. I’ll call it reverse mindfulness. Or better yet, mindlessness – the art of not thinking everything to death.

Maybe I’ll start a new trend. Who knows? But if you hear someone talking about this new thing they’re trying and the word mindlessness comes up in the conversation, remember, I was the one who started it all. I might as well get credit for something.

And if it does become a trend, I’ll be sure to put its creation on a list of things I’ve accomplished.

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Posted December 30, 2015 by wordsaremylife in random thoughts

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