Crushing   Leave a comment

It’s just a little crush (crush)/ Not like I faint every time we touchBernadette Cosgrove and others

So, it happened. I met a guy. He was good looking, funny, shatteringly intelligent (yes, I like that), and compassionate. How do I know this last part? He drove to Boston from West Hartford to go to a memorial lunch for the mother of a high school friend. On a weekend. And he was single. By the end of the lunch, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach and the smile stretching across my face. It was a nice feeling. One that hasn’t graced me with its presence in a very long time.

I can hear you asking, “So… What happened?”

Nothing. Because in addition to all the wonderful things I listed above, I discovered one other quality when I asked my friend about him.  He’s gay.

Which means out of the six or seven crushes I have had since I was in college, he is at least the fourth gay man on the list. Could be the fifth; there’s at least one I’m still not sure about. I seem to have a talent for finding great guys who aren’t going to be interested in me as a partner. At least not as a romantic partner.

I know. It’s a gift. What can I say?

My therapist asked me if I find straight guys intimidating. I answered that no, I don’t – at least I don’t think so – I just find more in common with the gay guys I’ve met. Unfortunately for me the commonalities include liking guys. Which is really too bad.

Of course, now I’m wondering if the problem is that straight guys find me intimidating. I mean, I’m a cute, somewhat over-educated professional who lists rock climbing, ballroom dancing, and Doctor Who as interests on her dating profile. I think this makes me sound eclectic. It is possible, however, that men find it… odd. I don’t know. I haven’t asked.

Granted, for the first few weeks, they didn’t know I was cute as I initially didn’t post a picture, but eventually that message got through. What was the hold-up, you ask?

Well, one of the sites I was on – the one that got the most traffic – also sported the profile of a somewhat overzealous former suitor who I needed to figure out how to block before I put up a picture. Once I did, my inbox almost exploded. Which, to be honest, was more weird than flattering. I mean, it’s not like I suddenly became a different person. And, a chunk of the messages I got came from hypocrites guys who hadn’t posted pictures, either.

This time through I communicated with some interesting people who didn’t make me want to take my profile down immediately, which in my book is a win. (Full disclosure: By the time I finish writing this and actually get it posted, I will have taken it down. Too much stress and not enough spare time; the dance class has now ended, but work and the meet-ups I’ve joined have ramped up. And the meet-ups are more fun than online dating.)

One guy and I messaged back and forth for almost two weeks about our kids, our mutual interests (reading and writing), and the awesomeness that is The Princess Bride. The fun was slightly diminished when I actually got around to reading his profile and discovered he was in a relationship and was using the site to meet ‘non-monogamous friends’, which in this case I think meant friends rather than euphemistic ‘friends’. I was disappointed but kept up the correspondence as his sense of humor was just too good not to.

There were a couple guys more interested in me than I was in them who took it well when I nicely said, “Thanks, but no thanks,” as well as a couple who didn’t and got blocked. And there were two more I met for coffee only to find out we had absolutely nothing in common – one being a thirty-five year old nursing student from Kenya who can run a marathon without having trained for it in under two and a half hours (I was impressed; after all, remember the title of my blog? I’ve learned a lot about running over the years.), which left me flattered that he had contacted me, the other being an Israeli expat who I think messaged me simply because my religion matched his. Unlike his previous relationship who he told me was still his housemate… Yeah, no.

The only thing I can come up with for my attraction to gay men is that I don’t have to pretend to be something or someone I’m not when I’m with them. To be clear, I don’t think I spend a lot of time doing that with the straight guys I meet – either you’re going to like me for who I am or you’re not – but I just don’t know. And to be fair to myself, I also generally don’t find out whether a guy is gay or straight until after the fact. I mean, it’s usually not one of the first topics that comes up in conversation…

What’s the takeaway from this? Well, it’s nice to know I still can have these feelings. I was beginning to wonder if that was one of the parts of me that disappeared in the forced life change never to be seen again, so finding out the butterflies could still be coaxed out was refreshing. Now I just need to work on finding an appropriate object for these feelings.

But not right now. I have a meet-up I need leave for in a few minutes, so I’m going to be busy.  That said, if any of my gay, male friends need a wingman, let me know.  I still have some child-free weekend time to fill.


Posted April 6, 2016 by wordsaremylife in random thoughts

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