Let It Go   Leave a comment

It’s funny how some distance, makes everything seem small / And the fears that once controlled me / can’t get to me at all.

Robert Lopez, Kristen Anderson-Lopez, Emanuel Kiriakou

I went for a walk with a friend the other day, and she told me about a date she had been on with someone who turned out to be an acquaintance of mine. They were commiserating about how hard it can be to meet nice people doing the online dating thing, and she mentioned she and I got together sometimes to share some of our horror stories less fabulous experiences with it all. His response was to ask her if I was having trouble meeting people because of the people on the sites or if it was because I was still bitter about my divorce.

This both took me aback and made me think. “Still bitter about my divorce.” Well, if I have to be honest, I’ll give him that one.  There are times I am still bitter about my divorce. (Are you surprised? I didn’t think so.) Okay, you may say, it’s been three years.  Why aren’t you over it already?  Easy.  Because this isn’t how I imagined my life looking when I tried to see the future twenty-five years ago. Given my ex’s opinions on men who walked out of their marriages without warning or explanation, being divorced was nothing I ever expected. When reality fails to meet up to expectations, the end result can be bitterness.

There are days where I find even after several years the pain of the rejection, the feelings of having failed, and the anger toward my ex are still there in full force. That said, there are also days where I appreciate not having to walk on eggshells or feel like I’m the only one trying to make a relationship work, and on balance, I feel better about myself as a person than I ever have before, which is good. Right?

Do I complain about my divorce all the time? I can see where it might seem that way. (Especially since it tends to be the primary, although not the only, topic of this blog.)  Despite the amount of time that has passed, the fallout still occupies a much larger part of my life than I would like, and since I don’t always pay attention to what is coming out of my mouth, I honestly have no idea how often it comes up in casual conversation. I do know I don’t talk about it nearly as much as I think about it, though, which sort of frightens me as I’d rather not think about it ever; ignorance is bliss, after all. Then again, I guess when people haven’t seem me for a while, it may seem like it’s all I talk about even though, really, it’s not. (Perhaps people who think I only complain about my divorce should be reading this blog. Then they’ll see I complain about a whole lot of other things as well. So there!)

What those folks don’t know or see is that I spend a great deal of time making myself focus on the positive things in my life. Currently I am having the outside of my house painted a vibrant royal blue that makes me smile just to look at.

(I am getting comments from neighbors that while the color is happy, my car blends into it making it hard to tell if I am home. What can I say? I like the color blue.  The chimney having to be rebuilt is less positive, but I am handling it myself, which is something I never thought I would be doing.)

I am planning my vacation with my son and best friend and really looking forward to it. I go to my writing meetup every other week and spend time doing creative things. The important thing is I’m trying. Do I wish things were different? Yes. Am I working at making them different? Well, I’m doing the best I can. Some days that works out better than others. But the one thing I know is I don’t want things to go back to the way they were before. I’ve come to far as person to let that happen. To quote another line from the song at the top of this post: “I’m never going back. The past is in the past.” And it is.

Hmmm. Maybe I’ve found my mantra. Starting out the morning with a little Idina Menzel sounds like it could be a good thing. So, if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to go buy a soundtrack. Or two. I might need to defy some gravity as well.  Could be fun.  And I could use some fun.

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Posted May 16, 2016 by wordsaremylife in random thoughts

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