Hostage Crisis   Leave a comment

If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Anonymous

Most of the time I am content with my life. Overall, I like my job, where I live, what I’m doing with myself. But…

There are certain times of the year where feelings of discontent take over my psyche. Most of the time, they have more to do with what is going on around me (see my various rants posts about Daylight Savings Time) than any particular date.

That said, there are two inextricably linked dates that tend to set me off. The first is my wedding anniversary, September 1. This year the date holds a special – if bittersweet – significance as it would have been my silver wedding anniversary.

The second is June 5, the day I was told my marriage was over.

Since it’s June, the second date is more immediately before me. Surprisingly – and this can only be a good thing – it isn’t causing me as much pain this year as I expected it would based on my experience of the past two years. I admit to having hoped – vainly or otherwise – I would have found someone to share at least some of my life with at this point. (Because that’s how it works in the movies, right? And those books I can’t read anymore all feature women whose social lives bounce right back after a divorce or break-up. I guess fiction really is stranger than truth.) But, no. While I have been on more dates than I ever thought I would go on in my entire life, finding that special someone is proving as difficult as I imagined it would be.

So, while my social life – or lack thereof – isn’t helping my current frame of mind, the difficulties I am having right now stem from a more typical ‘Hey, I’m divorced!’ problem. This should be a nice change. It’s not.

(Here’s where I suggest those of you who know my ex either stop reading or put on your rose-colored filter of choice.)

Without going into too much detail, my son’s father and I are having a minor disagreement about child support, one that – while it is minor – has been giving me anxiety attacks. Mainly because – as with everything else surrounding my divorce (and most of my marriage, if I’m honest) – I was informed of what was happening. Not consulted. Not asked. It was yet another in a long list of things pronounced rather than discussed. And rather than arguing about it, I followed the pattern I used throughout my marriage and caved, then sniped about it afterward. (I’m not proud of that; you’d think I would have learned better by now.)

Despite my feeling better about myself than I probably ever have and my shiny, new mantra that I sing in the car at the top of my lungs every morning, the whole situation has brought back some of the feelings of uncertainty and loss that accompanied the news of the disillusion of my marriage.

And you know what? I don’t like it.

To me, the solution to this situation is a simple one – take the emotion out of the process. And I’m working on it. With grudging cooperation. (At least that’s how it seems to me.)

The problem is I’m having trouble turning off the spigot of negative emotions. I feel like I’m being held hostage in my head, trapped in a downward spiral. Which then sets off other feelings of discontent – I’ve been at my job too long and need a change, the area I live in is too small which is why I’m having trouble meeting people, etc.. I know better than to make decisions which affect more than me when I’m in this type of mood, just as I know – as attractive an idea as pulling up my roots and moving somewhere new is – there are many things I would miss here – my gorgeous, newly painted house, the beauty of my neighborhood, my friends and support system. All of which are important to me.

Will things get better when the support issue is taken out of the equation? I hope so. As much as I didn’t want to be divorced when the idea was originally thrust upon me, now I really do. I want the freedom of not being tied to someone who didn’t want to be tied to me. Intellectually, I know those ties will never be completely dissolved. Even if my ex isn’t part of my future, he will always be a very large part of my past. We were together for over a quarter of a century. We continue to share our son.

I know some of this is my own doing. I need to learn to shut down the part of my brain that allows his actions to get to me. I need to cultivate that air of bemusement I spoke of in an earlier post. I need to make up my mind that it doesn’t matter. Then maybe I can finally move on.

And, you know what? I’m looking forward to that.


Posted June 10, 2016 by wordsaremylife in random thoughts

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