Breakthrough   5 comments

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath/ Scared to rock the boat and make a mess / So I sat quietly, agreed politely/ I guess that I forgot I had a choice/ I let you push me past the breaking point/ I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything – Bonnie Leigh McKee, Katy Perry, and others

I had a breakthrough the other day. Not another epiphany; an actual, honest-to-G-d breakthrough. For the first time since my world got dumped upside down, I am glad I am no longer married to my ex.

Actually and honestly glad.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not pleased about being single – that hasn’t changed – but I am no longer regretting I’m not married to this person anymore.

Given the subject of my last post, I’m finding this more than a little entertaining. Funny, even. But at the same time, I’m not complaining. It’s been three years. Frankly, it’s about time. Way past time.

Will I continue to get nostalgic about the time when I was part of a couple? Yes. As much as I am enjoying the peace, the me time, and the not having to consider anyone else’s concepts of interior/exterior design, I think my life would be richer if I had someone to share it with. (Sorry, child of mine, but since I’m the one with the checkbook, my color choices count more than your do. This is not a democracy. You’ll understand once you’ve gotten your own place to live. Really.)

I think I’ve finally gotten past the hurt, the anger (most of it, at least, as I try to be honest here), and the need for answers and/or closure. Most important, I think I may have finally gotten rid of the girl – the woman – who allowed herself to be marginalized, the one who thought that what she wanted didn’t matter so much, the one who found it easier to give in than to debate. Now, I can still be a little too polite when expressing myself – I think it has something to do with working as a public servant – and openly admit I will never really like conflict, but I’m finally learning that standing up for myself is not the same as attacking someone else’s beliefs or opinions.

And you know what? It feels good. Freeing. More than a little weird. (Which, now that I think about it, kind of describes my whole life…)

Here’s the really weird part: I’m not sure what to do with it.

On the one hand, I could shout from the rooftops that I’m finally free of the millstone around my neck, but this a) could be taken the wrong way (because even though millstone refers to the unhappiness it could be misconstrued as referring to the person. Even though it doesn’t. Really.), and b) means I would have to admit publicly it has taken me three years to get to this point, and while I know this isn’t anything to be embarrassed about as everyone grieves and heals in their own time, I still am. Embarrassed, I mean. Not grieving. Not to mention if you are reading this, you already know. So never mind…

On the other hand, I sort of don’t want to shout about it. Which is odd as I’m writing about it and posting it on the internet. My only defense is since I don’t have a lot of readers, my broadcast range is seriously limited. Which makes it more like a really loud stage-whisper. With jazz hands.

All I know is I finally feel like I can start the next chapter of my life. Finally. Tentatively I would say it feels good. I guess I’ll know for sure as time goes on.

And most likely, I will continue to let you know.

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Posted June 15, 2016 by wordsaremylife in random thoughts

5 responses to “Breakthrough

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  1. ‘a really loud stage whisper. With jazz hands’. Love love love this. I’m over here jazz handing with you ❤

  2. I am so, so, so proud of you and equally happy for you — it could take 10 years as long as it is yours! Keeping it to a loud whisper maybe gives that internal strength that is starting to build and show. You rock

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