Stop the World – I Want to Get Off   Leave a comment

I’ve been feeling incredibly overwhelmingly a little stressed out lately. I can tell because my chocolate consumption has increased. Exponentially. And I wake up every morning in a mild state of panic, which, while nothing new, hasn’t happened in a while. (I’d like to say I missed this part of my morning routine, but really, I haven’t. At all. It can stop now.)

It’s not the relationship. Well, some of it was, but since we had the ‘state of the state’ talk, I’ve calmed down about it. A lot. No, mostly, it’s everything else. And I mean everything.

Money has suddenly become an issue in a way it hasn’t since I was first trying to figure out my finances and expenses after the divorce. It’s not an “Oh, G-d, I’m falling into financial ruin” issue, but things are tighter than they were, and I am seriously hoping for a larger than usual tax refund this year to help even things out. Driver’s Ed was more expensive than I thought it would be, and for some reason, the end of the old year and the start of the new decided to collude and bring me the glorious gift of house repair issues among other things.

Oh, joy.

That’s not to say I don’t love my new dishwasher. I do. I was unaware of how difficult the old one really was until the new one arrived and got my dishes sparkling clean on the first try without those pesky bits of plastic falling off every time I ran it. Or at least every time I was able to get the door shut enough so it could run. And the garage door closing all the way is appreciated. The house tends to get cold when the garage isn’t shut. I’m still waiting for the hot water heater to be fixed. (Fortunately this last one is covered by warranty; I just keep having to take time off from work to be there while they figure out what the problem is.) And while this was happening, the car hit its 100,000 mile we-need-to-replace-a-whole-bunch-of-expensive-parts-to-keep-things-running milestone. And the boy’s bicycle has now gone through its third sheared bolt on the part that keeps the seat on.

Well, you get the idea…

The saving grace with all these expenses is 1-5% of each transaction I put on my credit card gets put into the boy’s 529 college fund. So at least something is getting saved. Yay me?

My job also continues to drive me a bit bonkers. Overall, I love what I do, I just sometimes wonder if I have been doing it in the same place for too long. I keep my eyes open for things – the most recent position I applied for sent me a form letter rejection telling me I didn’t have enough experience to be interviewed even though the job I was applying for was the exact same job I have now, just in a different library – but after nearly 20 years in my field, I don’t know what else I would be qualified for. And I need to keep working for a municipal government as my retirement is tied up in the state system. (I’m also lazy; the reasonably short commute to my current job is nice as is the fact that I work across the street from the Y and can hit the weight room on my lunch breaks.)

I am hoping our application for a building grant is funded by the state as that process would certainly keep me occupied for the next handful of years. And, if I am honest, I think it is the challenge I am missing. I am very good at my job (even the parts I don’t love) and have gotten to the point where much of it (and there is a lot) has become sort of automatic. I miss the challenge of doing something new.

And there is the ever-present issue of housework. I admit I’m not the world’s best housekeeper, but I do I go a little nuts when my house isn’t clean. The main problem is that although I love the results, I don’t love the actual work of cleaning. For a short while a very long time ago, I had someone come in every other week and clean the kitchen and bathrooms, and that was lovely. Now, though, it’s not really feasible.

I do pay to have someone take away my trash as I am a) not around during most of the town landfill’s open hours, and b) really don’t want to put bags of smelly trash in the back of my tiny car. I also have a landscape company deal with the spring and fall clean-ups of my yard as I have more leaves than G-d and pay them to mow my lawn every three weeks or so as yard work is not high on the list of things I either love or am good at. Fortunately, the boy knows how to run the snowblower and enjoys it (or at least doesn’t complain too much about it…), so I don’t have to worry about that. Until he goes to college…


Mostly I’ve been trying to exercise enough – 90 minutes on the elliptical trainer this morning should help me sleep tonight, even if it doesn’t erase the amount of chocolate I have consumed today – and focus on the positive things in my life: I am employed, there’s a guy out there who thinks I’m pretty wonderful (I think he is, too, so this works out), I have great friends and cute, fuzzy kitties to keep my company, and my son is pretty wonderful (weird, too, but genetically, that was inescapable).

I think what I really need is a vacation. Which kind of bumps up against issue number one right now. So, for the time being, I guess I’ll just stick with the chocolate cure. Maybe if I eat enough of it, the whatever-it-is that’s supposed to be in chocolate will make the anxiety attacks go away. I mean, how can you be anxious when you’re full of chocolate, right?

I’ll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I have a freezer to raid.


Posted January 18, 2017 by wordsaremylife in random thoughts

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