More Than Words   Leave a comment

Cause it’s easy to tell me you love me / Easy to say you’re thinking of me / Words are so easy to say” – John Romano, Julian Hernandez, Richard Miranda, Tony Garcia

If you’ve met me, you know I need like to talk. A lot. Actually, if you haven’t met me, but you’ve read any part of this blog, you have probably come to the same conclusion. Because I talk. A lot. Sometimes I even say things when I talk. Sometimes. Not always.

When I met my ex, one of the things I really enjoyed about him was his ability to talk, to tell a story, to make me laugh. The ebb and flow of conversation was easy, and we always had a lot to talk about.

By the time we had been married a while, some of the conversation stalled. We had told each other most of our before-I-met-you stories and needed to find other things to talk about, which wasn’t always easy. I spent a lot of time at the terrible, soul-sucking job that provided our health insurance as well as the majority of our income at the time work and wanted to spend most of my limited free time with him, so I didn’t have much fodder for amusing stories and ended up mostly talking about work. Right up until he told me I complained about my job too much. So I started censoring myself, even though what I really needed was – in addition to venting – someone to tell me someday the economy would improve, and I would be able to find a different job. With health insurance. (Spoiler alert: I did.)

But I kept a lot of what I felt to myself. And continued to about other things. Sometimes issues would bubble around inside my head until the words exploded out of my mouth, but for the most part, I found other things to talk about. Looking back on it now, I realize it probably wasn’t that healthy, but it was what I thought I needed to do to keep my husband happy and my marriage intact. Live and learn, right?

His conversations included talking (read: sometimes complaining) about work, discussing politics, and expounding on his running habit, which I didn’t share. (I tried. My knees complained violently, so I had to stop.) And then over the years, conversations dwindled.  I can more or less pinpoint this to two events, the first being the birth of our son, the second being when Facebook took over the world.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I like Facebook. I post this blog on Facebook. It lets me keep track of friends and family all over the world, read interesting articles I wouldn’t generally find, and introduced me to Words with Friends, where I regularly get trounced by some of those aforementioned friends.

He spent more time on it than I did, usually starting while I was putting the boy to bed, and stayed with it once I made my way back downstairs. Conversations became fewer and farther between as I read books and he stayed glued to our computer’s monitor.

When he sat me down to announce he was ending our marriage, I probably shouldn’t have been surprised, although I was. Then the words started. And one of the things he told me with those words was that he felt like he had been lying to me for the previous few years because he had told me he loved me even though he no longer did.

The clarification of, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” didn’t help, and I wouldn’t recommend saying it to anyone. Ever.

The funny part was I used to love hearing him use those three little words. Because to me, they were the proof that he really did love me. I mean, why would he say them if he didn’t mean them, right? And, as his actions didn’t always make me feel warm and cozy inside, I really needed that proof. So any time he told me he had thought about doing something I would like – even if he didn’t actually do it – it made me feel loved.

Boy, was I dumb naive.

My new relationship – although it’s not that new; we met almost a year ago – has been a bit of a revelation.

We talk. We talk about the weather and movies and our families and the interesting science blogs he reads. We talk about our jobs and the new library the town I work in is hoping to build and the interesting things he ships all over the world in his job. We talk about our pets and our hobbies and places we have been and would like to go.

But it’s more than that. There are also little things I didn’t have before. When we walk, he walks next to me. Even though he is much taller than I am. (I mean much taller. Like I can take 2-3 steps to his one if he’s really moving.) And he holds my hand when we walk. Everywhere. He opens doors for me, helps me with my coat, and makes sure I can get over large obstacles in our path when we go hiking.

Recently, when we were out for a walk in a state reservation, he mentioned that he had seen people out riding horses on the path we were on when he had been there in the past. I replied I had never been horseback riding – pony rides at fairs don’t count in my book – and was interested in trying it some time. That night in my email there was a coupon for a one-hour horseback riding lesson.

I’m surprised my son didn’t have to pick me up off the floor after I read it.

So, all in all, I’m kind of liking this relationship thing. More than like, actually, but you know the phrase – actions speak louder. So, I’ll keep working on those actions.

And I’ll be sure to let you know how the riding lesson goes.

 

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Posted April 26, 2017 by wordsaremylife in random thoughts

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